Sunday, 28 June 2015

And then I know, I have arrived.

I hated sex.
I mean, I did not look forward to it.
You know, that type of sex where after you climax, you crash back,
Not to earth, but below,
You hit rock bottom,
You feel like scum,
You do not want to cuddle,
You do not want a second round,
You do not even want to imagine that you actually went through with the first one,
Where you cannot wait to escape to the bathroom,
Sit underneath a scalding shower, scrub yourself raw,
Removing all evidence of the act.
Felling empty, used, depleted.
Ashamed!

That one person who scarred my soul,
The one who led me to hate the act,
Never gave me a chance to be comfortable in my own skin,
Never gave me a moment to express how I wanted it,
For him, it was about power. Power over; power to,
Power over me, and power to have it whenever he wanted.

No kissing.
No foreplay.
No appreciation of me what so ever.
Just him groaning and grunting till he reached his heights and collapsed over me.
I learnt this art of extracting my being from my body,
Numbed my senses so I would not feel anything,
In would stand outside my body and watch.  Thrust. Hurt. Explode.
My soul wincing.
Sex with lights off.
Cause my body image was constantly trashed.
No moans. Moans would turn into frame wrecking sobs, the sound of my soul dying.
Dead Pan face.
No emotion. No clinging to anybody.
Nothing.
Just clock watching.
Counting minutes.

But now….
I have come too far,
Not only in the terms of sex,
Not only in the terms of being comfortable with my body, and with another body,
No longer self-conscious of my body,
Petite as I am
(He constantly said I was skinny, wonder why he just would not go out and fuck some random thick girl if he could not  handle my being skinny. Turns out he did went out and did it, not only once, or twice.)
Blamed myself,
My body shape,
My body size,
Thought maybe if I had a little more derriere,
If my bra cup size was a D maybe,
I f my nose was not flat and wide,
If I had a wider girth,
Maybe….
Or maybe not.
Took me a whole lot of stumbling,
clinging to a toxic person, Melancholy, Depression, suicidal thoughts,
A close shave with death, my scars (I’ve become to embrace as part of surviving),
To learn that my body did not need to change,
I was me, complete, enough, whole, worthy, amazing and beautiful in my own way.

Above all it took me finding love.
finding someone.
Sanity in the midst of chaos.
I am not saying he is perfect.
All I am saying is he has been a great part of my healing journey.

God knows I have never really felt like this.
Breaking into a grin for no reason.
Because love is reason enough.
Does amazing things to my soul.
Does amazing things to my body.
Does amazing things to my entire being.
Lord knows where this is going.
Lord knows how long it will last.
All I know is I am glad I have had a chance to experience such magic from simple things,
Fitting into the puzzle of my essence perfectly.

And another thing.
Love making is not a duty,
Its poetry.
Goes beyond what the bodies feel and need.
Souls reaching out to each other, with the back drop of rainbows and whitelights,
Soaring,
On golden celestial wings,
Hitting the highest notes
And crashing back to earth,
And see the most amazing emotion in eyes boring into my soul,
And then I know, I have arrived.




Friday, 19 June 2015

I know you by name,

I know you by name,
No, not by the name your parents gave you,
That’s for other people out there.

I know you by the name I gave you,
I know you by the name I groan and gasp out when you push me to ecstasy and beyond ,
I know you by the name I sleepily mumble during our night calls,
I know you by the name I scream out in mock shock when you grab them groceries.

I know you by the name I have saved your number under my contacts list,
I know you by the name my eyes spell out when I look at you,
I know you by the name the core of my body whispers when I’m in your arms,
I know you by the name I 'absent-mindedly' scribble around the margins of my notebook during meetings.

I know you by the name I laugh out at my highest,
I know you by the name I sob out at my lowest.

I know you by name,
And I am taking this name,
And that which you gave me,
And create a portmanteau,

And by that new name, we would be known!

Monday, 1 June 2015

Oh-So.

You touch my soul with your words,
Caress it with your smile,
You say my name with your eyes,
Your skin hoarsely whispers ‘Come close’
My pride, feline as it is, on all fours,
Paws padding on the bed-linen, gracefully moves closer.

As you place your heart as a pendant on a silver chain around my neck,
I can feel your hands on all the places you are not touching,
The cold from the silver chain coupled with the heat from your breath,
Your nearness,
Your scent,
Get me all heady,
Intoxicated.
My heart starts beating from a different ‘core’. Throbbing.



Kiss my essence, leave your lip-marks on my brain,
Them booty rubs and grabs,
When we dust them groceries for fingerprints,
We will see how well you have marked your territory.